The Clapper

At a recent, decent, Broadway musical, my friends chided me for only clapping once after a particularly dull number. I literally clapped once (CLAP). Heck, I already paid and showed up. Now the "work" was up to the actors. They told me that it was sorta weird and rude to only give one clap. Really?
We weren't being video or audio taped. We weren't within the performers' view. We didn't know anyone in the show. Since when did clapping become mandatory?
Clapping is overrated. 
During the monologues of late night talk show hosts, clapping has replaced laughing. On morning talk shows, someone says "We've been married for 5 years", and the audience claps in congratulatory recognition. During a daytime game show, when someone is smarter than a 5th grader, the audience claps wildly for their fortune.
I clapped for 5 years in STOMP and got paid for it. I think I can safely clap as little or as much as I want to.
Note: I was forced to stand at the end of the show during the curtain call. But, I used it as an excuse to put on my winter coat and fix my wrinkled dress.

Funky Loo

Mirror Ball not included

Tall Tubbie

"Why does everyone ignore me?"

Haiti Night Fever

Citizens of the world -- John Travolta has come to the rescue of earthquake-ravaged Haiti!

From the news tonight: 

"Actor uses own jet to bring relief supplies, doctors and Scientology ministers."

I knew those aliens would come in handy for something other than creating pyramids and cats.

I Do Math

"Avatar", with its $14 tickets, is being touted as the biggest money making film of all time, sinking the record previously held by "Titanic" ... which came out when ticket prices were $4.50. 
Get it?

Fondant Overload

Many TV shows about cake:
Cake Boss
Amazing Wedding Cakes
Ace of Cakes
Wedding Cake Wars
Ultimate Cake Off
Cake Divas
Last Cake Standing


No TV shows about cookies.

Overheard ...

At a reading of the new musical "The Nutty Professor", this old gold-ring-wearing guy is talking to Marvin Hamlisch, and at the end of the conversation he finishes with: "Oh, and Marvin, Michelle Lee says hi."

Marvin walks away, throwing over his shoulder, "Oh, I love Michelle Lee."
And I love old Hollywood in New York.

Trees & Bees

For months I enjoyed the strange and unusually woodsy flavor of some dark amber honey that I was given during the holidays. I put it in my tea, on my oatmeal, and even right out of the belly of the familiar plastic bear it came in. 
Savoring its unique aroma, color and flavor, I wondered, "Where is this luscious honey from? Africa? Southeast Asia? No. It says on the label on belly of the bear: BearFest." I had to get some more! I had to find out about this Fest of Bears.
I inquired from the gift-giver about the delectable treat so I could stock up on it and make all sorts of fancy honey-based treats ... honey ham, honey mustard dressing, honey baked beans. Oh, the list of possibilities was endless.
Only ... I soon learned ... that it wasn't honey at all! 


It was maple syrup. Maple syrup posing as honey in a little plastic honey-bear container.


I ask, could you tell the difference?

Cold 'Za

This Italian joint called Mozzarelli's on 23rd & Park has Gluten Free pizza, and my agent is close by, so I eat there once a week.
Yesterday, I had a hankering for some of their awesome Artichoke pizza, so I stopped in for a quick bite. 
"I'll take a slice of the Gluten Free Artichoke, please. No need to heat it up. Just pop it on a plate and I'll eat it here", I said.
"Are you sure?", said the co-owner.
"Yup, just throw it on a plate. Looks great!"
"You don't want it cold."
"Well, I kinda do, actually."
"Nah. Lemme put it in the oven just for a minute ... "
"But, you really don't have to, I just ..."
"No. It tastes better warm," he said putting the $5.00 slice in the oven. "The crust gets crispier in the oven."
I wasn't happy. "If you insist. But, I was really in the mood for a slice of cold pizza."
He says, "Yeah, we tried to sell slices of cold pizza a while back, but no one wanted them."
"Not even college kids with hangovers?", I asked.
"Huh? What? No. It didn't sell."
"Well, I was just really in the mood for cold pizza and kind of in a rush", I lied.
The pizza came out of the oven all bubbly and toasty.
"Enjoy", said the proud co-owner.
"I will." And I did.
After I let it sit for 5 minutes to get cold.

Limp

Lady Liberty and her brother, Brady Liberty, have resorted to handing out tax preparation pamphlets on 8th Avenue.
Hey, now! Turn that crown upside-down!

My Old Pal

Dear Grilled Cheese Sandwich,
I don't see you often. Maybe once every few months. But, I wanted to thank you for never letting me down. You're a reliable friend, and you make me feel good every time I'm with you. I've been out of touch with your pal, Tomato Soup, but quite frankly, I like you more on a one-to-one basis.
Stay warm and don't ever change.
Much Love,
Peter

Remember when ...

... celebrated American actors had to go to all the way to Japan to make commercials?
Times is tough.

Inventing the Wheel

Many companies make great bike locks. Problem is, some bikers use the lock on the tires and not on the bike.
As evidenced here --

Jersey Boys

I sent my DVD player back to a factory in New Jersey for repairs. Today, I checked the tracking status on UPS and the guy who signed for it was named "Tony" ... yeah, which Tony? It's a freakin' factory in Jersey for chrissakes!

No Pants Subway Ride Video

This was a great experience ... as you can tell by the confused/shocked/amused reactions. Enjoy! See you with your pants down next year!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UxI46nl9pkc

Dirty Mouth

An elderly woman and what I can only suppose was her granddaughter were stopped in front of a Sabon shop on 6th Ave in the West Village. A salesperson holding a basket was handing out colorful little slices of something resembling Listerine breath strips.
The old woman took a few and asked, "What kind of candy is this?" as her young charge began to place the orange sliver in her tiny mouth.
"Oh! It's not candy. It's soap!", said the panicked salesgirl.
Grandma knocked it out of the girls hands and shuffled away, clearly sad that she wasn't getting a free sample of something she could eat.
If the little girl had said, "Fuck!", then her Granny would have had a good reason to use that soap sample. 

Tiny World

I was having drinks with an old Buffalo State College alum, and the young man seated next to us at the bar kept looking our way. 
Finally, I caught his eye after I said some witty Buffalo-related dig. He introduced himself and apologized for eavesdropping, but he had just graduated from Buffalo State as an interior design major and couldn't help but hear us say "Buffalo" a hundred times in our conversation. 
As I've been working on a pitch for a TV show that needs a fun, young, hip, gay interior designer, I gave him my card.
He looked at it, paused, laughed -- and then told me that his boss was none other than Peter Marino, the famous architect and designer.
You seriously can't swing a dead cat in this town without running into someone from Buffalo ... or named Peter Marino.

Poor Wicked

The Broadway show "Wicked" has been running for over 6 years! It's playing all over the world. For some reason, the producers decided that the show needed a little bit more publicity, so they covered every square inch of Penn Station with "Wicked" propaganda ...

Yet, they can't afford to change the signs at the Gershwin Theater which still touts this monster as a new musical!

Poor, poor Wicked.

Chains of ...

Here is a chained dog in Chelsea who just wants some McDonald's coffee ...

Here are a group of children in Chelsea who just want to run free ...

No Pants

Yesterday I was among the thousands of participants in Improv Everywhere's 9th annual No Pants Subway Ride event.
I was wonderful fun and I suggest everyone do it next year. No matter how cold it is or how fat your ass is or how white your gams are.
www.improveverywhere.com

Herding

Yesterday I saw a family of five entering Macy's. They were all wearing cowboy hats. They could just as well have been wearing T-shirts that said, "Steal from us! We're from the Prairie!"
I thought it was a bit cold to be wearing 10-gallon suede hats instead of wool winter caps, but they made me laugh and they were contributing to the citys' economy.
Ironically, I passed a cheap diner in midtown about 8 hours later, and who was sitting there in the window eating their diner dinner? The Cowboy Hat Family ... still wearing their hats.
Indoors.

Dunker

Yesterday, a middle-aged woman was standing on the #2 train, putting one whole Oreo after another into her mouth while taking a swig of milk from a quart she was holding after each tasty treat entered her gaping trough.
Who needs a glass to dunk?

Just Like Obama

So, yesterday, the Weatherproof coat company put up this big ad in Times Square of President Obama wearing one of their lovely coats ...

... and the New York Times reported that the Obama administration had not approved the use of the image. A spokesman for the Prez said, “The White House has a longstanding policy disapproving of the use of the president’s name and likeness for commercial purposes.”


So that would explain this ...

and this ...

and even this ...

HAIR!

Last night I saw the show "HAIR." 
Well ... actually I tried to see the show "Brief Encounter" at St. Ann's Warehouse, but this dumb blonde gal in front of me felt it was really important to play with and readjust her long ponytail during most of the show, popping it up and down and fluffing it and primping it hither and yon. So, it was hard to actually see the show I paid to see.
I wished I had an inkwell. 
I would have turned her blonde locks blue.

Gimme o2

I just saw on the women's and gay men's network, Oxygen, that they've added Law&Order:Criminal Intent to their line-up. 
I guess women and gay men really love that show -- what with all the rapes and beatings.
Wait! What the hell am I doing watching Oxygen?!

Better off Dead

I like this show called "Bridezillas." It shows various low-class brides-to-be throwing tantrums, flowers and bridal party members all over over the place. The wedding has to be their way or the highway. It makes you wonder about the grooms. How desperate do these suckers have to be to marry these insane witches?


I propose a show called "Funeralzillas", where soon-to-be dead people throw fits over how deep their coffin is to be buried, what boring flower arrangements will be at the wake, and what shitty songs are played at the funeral home.


Now, that would be fun.

Smell It

The crackers went bad. I could tell as soon as I opened the box. As Rachel Ray says, "Oil spoils" and these crackers tasted and smelled like spoiled oil. So, I brought the box back to the local Gristedes.
The cashier called the manager over.
"What seems to be the problem?", he barked.
"These are bad. Spoiled."
"How d'ya know? Did you try 'em?"
I opened the box and said, "Here. Smell it."
He sniffed ... and gagged.
I got another box off the shelf and said, "Let me just open this here before I leave to make sure they're okay."
It smelled a bit weird. I gave the box to the manager and said, "Try one."
He says, "What? Why don't you try one?"
I said, "Cause your the manager."
He says, "Yeah, but I'm also a human being!"


Doubtful.