New Years ... Again

I vow to put away old grudges, to make room for new ones. 

Boy Toys

Riding the #3 train a few days after Christmas, I couldn't help but notice how many middle-aged men in the car were playing with their shiny, new iphones. 
See, Santa does exist.

Border-line

I was at Borders Books in Manhattan purchasing some gifts for the holiday season. One of the items was a fancy, boxed wall calendar. The young cashier just couldn't get it to scan. So he pressed down and rubbed that bar code across the top of the scanner about a dozen times ... harder and harder, faster and faster. He finally broke out into a sweat and said, "Sorry this is taking so long." 
He continued to rub and push, obliviously crushing the box with each pass over that damn laser beam.
"Hey", I muttered, "you're really doing a job on that box. It's a gift."
"Oh, man ... sorry about that. Let me get you a new one. What section was it in?"
Long pause.
"The calendar section, sir. The calendar section."

Spelling in Buffalo

My eagle eye goes right to the typo ... and yours?

Eat the Children

Seen at Denny's in Buffalo ...

So let me get this straight ... the punctuation keys are broken on the Denny's typewriter and I have to pay for the burger, but there's no charge to chomp on a child.

Happy Holidays!

Grass is Bad

The Smiths in Buffalo decided that a green house was easier to maintain than a green lawn. And nothing beats the smell of fresh cut tar in the morning ...

Radio Interview in Buffalo

Click the link to hear an interview I did for "A Christmas Twist" in Buffalo. It was early in the morning.

TAB 120309

Buffalo vs. Boston vs. Carrots

No respect ... as indicated by this label on a carrot cake at Wilson Farms.

What's in a name?

This package for sunflower seeds says it all. And what a novel flavor!

Glass Half Empty

Saw this on 7th Ave a few short weeks ago ... 2012 doomsday complex?

Priorities

This food joint in Buffalo seems to have all of their food and beverage consumption priorities in order ... start your day their way!

Deep Dish

Buffalo loves pizza. 
Apparent by the way they decorated the satellite dish above this bar.

Some Balls!

Not only are they illuminated ... they're happy!

Meat Head

Only in Buffalo would a chicken enchilada be 50¢ cents more than a beef enchilada.
Still, it was worth it - cuz I can't eat any more of them damn Greek salads.

Greek to Me

I had lunch at a Greek diner in Buffalo today and ordered the Greek burger with Greek Potatoes, instead of fries. 
Upon placing my order, the waitress took the ketchup off the table saying, "Well, you won't need this since you're getting Greek potatoes."
I guess it's illegal to put ketchup on anything but fries in Buffalo.

What would Santa Say?

Saw this in the flower district ...

Models DO Eat

Saw this photo outside some pricey boutique in the Meat Packing District ...

Someone needs to lay off the blueberry pie before a photo shoot. 

Precious is Precious!

The new movie "Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire" not only has a wonderfully detailed and informative title (yes, that is the official title), but it is also presented by the legendary film and broadway producer Oprah Winfrey and the amazingly talented chameleon, Tyler Perry -- best known for his "Big Mamma's House" movies.
Perry gained 500 pounds for the role to completely transform himself into the sexually and emotionally abused, pregnant Precious -- who is sure to steal our hearts. 
Happy Holidays one and all ... and here's to Oprah and Tyler on all of their hard work!

Tyler Perry (above as himself and below as misunderstood Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire)

Big Head

In olden times, the theater marquee featured the name of the show playing there - 

Nowadays, they just use a picture of the movie star in the show -

Heavy Medal

Yesterday was the NYC marathon. Today, all these skinny people are walking around the city wearing their ribbons and medals around their nylon-jacketed frames ... like, they won a medal or something.

Hairy Balls

Golf is a strange sport. 
Apparently it's very difficult to clean golf balls. 
And a challenge for a traveling golfer to stay groomed.

India Calls

Saw this sign in the local liquor store's window ...

I wonder if there was a new deli next door if it would say ...

 "Please go to the New Delhi"

Gum Shot!

It's never a bad time for some GUM flavored liquor!

Meowza

The guy in front of me at the supermarket purchased two items: A can of cat food and a can of Redi Whip.
Looks like there's a good time to be had at his place this evening.

Lucky Charms

Saw these in the deli's candy section, between the Charms and Violet Gum. Seems like a good location. For many reasons.

Soldiering On

Yesterday, I encountered a confused looking young man on 10th Avenue. I asked him if he needed help. 
He said, "Yeah. I'm trying to find the 6 train."
"Oh", I replied, "that would be about eight avenues east."
"Which direction is that?", he asked.
I pointed, "That way. About a 25-minute walk. It's not really that close."
"Hey man", he responded, "I can do it. I'm a soldier."
I looked at him a minute and said, "So ... what? Lost your GPS device or something?"
He stared blankly and proceeded away.
I'm guessing that lost soldiers don't have much of a sense of humor. 
Or direction.

Shock the Monk

As mentioned in a previous post (MILK IT), I live near the St. Francis of Assisi Church, so I often see Friars in the neighborhood. Yesterday, I saw a friar, wrapped in a red cloak, texting on the street corner! 
Now, I know that monks take a vow of silence, so I assume they're not allowed to text. But, friars take a vow of poverty and give up all personal property. 
So, unless that phone was found or stolen, that friar is in big trouble with the man upstairs. 
Even if he did find the phone, how would he know how to text?
Better yet, who would he text?

Never Forget ... the bacon

This label is on a package of organic bacon that I recently purchased. 
I can't quite make the connection. Can you?

Fashion Trend

Last night I saw a pizza delivery guy in a red shirt and red baseball hat ring the bell of a brownstone on my block. The door opened, and a guy in a red shirt and red baseball hat answered and paid for his pizza; taking no notice that he was wearing the same thing as the delivery guy.

Oldee, but a Goodee

Saw this sign ... and wondered if they should have spelled it "GOODE"; being all Colonial and all.

Finger This

It's weird enough that we wear other people's shoes when we go bowling, but what's weirder is that we stick our fingers in other bowlers' balls ... and then eat french fries and pizza with those fingers.

Souped Up

Around the block from me, in Chelsea, is a church that provides soup and meals to the local homeless folks. As I pass this church on a regular basis, I've become familiar with the people who go there. Not like we've had coffee or anything, but I know what they look like - especially since they wear the same clothes every day.
The other day, I walked passed the uptown soup kitchen at Port Authority and saw two of the same guys getting their meals there. As I had seen them earlier in the day, I wondered if it was fair for them to get two free meals that day. And then I wondered if it was their little secret.
Not that there's anything wrong with taking advantage of free meals.

Crazy Me

I thought I was losing my mind on the hour, every hour, for the past few weeks. 
Until I realized that the neighbor below me has a cuckoo clock.

Reading is Fundamental

While on the train to Chinatown yesterday, I observed the old man next to me reading the New York Post ... starting at the back page and making his way to the front.
He was Chinese. 
And that's the way they read.

Oprah's Rejects

First Oprah takes over every media outlet there is, plastering doctored pictures of her chubby self on the cover of every issue of her shiny magazines.
Then she has these larger-than-life-personality doctors on her show who excite her female audiences into a medical frenzy as they dispense advice. 
Then she dumps their fugly mugs on us, by giving them their own TV shows.

I say "Oprah! Keep your creepy, blathering, drawling Dr. Phil and that pan-faced, scrub-wearing Dr. Oz to yourself. I have my own damn creepy doctors. Thank you."

Queer Signs

This is a gay bar in the West Village

This is their dress code 

This is a lesbian bar in the West Village

This is their dress code

You do the math.

Faster Food

And here's the bad news at McDonald's

Luckily, I just stopped in for 10-minute pee.

Authority Issues

When I was a kid, I looked up to cops. After all, they had walkie talkies, they wore uniforms, and they made sure that the bad guys stayed off the mean streets of Queens where I lived.
Nowadays, I look down on most cops. Many are overweight and make me question whether they could run after a crook without having a heart attack. 
I see them smoking while on duty (which no child should ever see). Again, could a cop who smokes chase down a drug dealer?
I see them spitting on the sidewalk (which should be illegal anyway) and I see them texting on their cell phones while on duty.
Maybe they always spat. Perhaps they always smoked. Maybe there were always fat ones.
I just wish that authority figures were more like the nuns I had in Catholic School. 
They could take down a bank robber with a cold, hard stare.

Take it to the Mat

I'm on my cell phone, walking past Whole Foods, and this guy is hawking some Yoga Center. You know, "Take this flyer and save 10% on your next Bikram sweat-fest."
The guy catches my eye, and says, "You do Yoga? Save 10%, dude!"
And I say, "Sorry, I am on the phone here."
And he says, "I'm just givin' you a flyer, man."
And I say, "Yeah, but you are also shouting at me, while I'm on a call."
He says, shoving the flyer at me, "Just take one! C'mon!"


Now, am I really going to support a Yoga institution that has employees who bombard you with information when you are having a very important cell phone chat about where you are going to go out for Happy Hour that night? I don't think so.

Tiny Town

This couple was on the corner of Lafayette and Spring, inspecting a map and looking confused. I asked them if they needed help.
The guy asks, in a thick French accent, "We are looooking for ze littel town of China."
After a moment of realization, I pointed in the direction of Chinatown, and giggled all the way home. 
I hope they find the Little Town of Italy as well.

Time Warp

Alot of people use the phrase "... at this point and time."

I also hear "... at this point in time."

I don't like either, since "at this point" gets right to the point.

At least, that's how I feel at this point in time. 

But, not at this point and time.

Signs all Around

While traveling on the Airtrain, I was not surprised to see that smoking is not permitted ... but, neither is consuming burgers and shakes.





So, I assume it's OK to eat chicken and drink coffee while commuting to the airport?

Those Crazy Kids

Today, while driving in Buffalo, I passed a college with a sign outside that read:


"Welcome Freshman Parents!"


It must be so challenging to be a freshman and a parent these days.

Gallantry is Dead

Today, I saw a long-leggy blonde in a little black mini making her sexy way down my street. As she approached three young men leaning against a brick wall, I knew what was coming ...
"Hey babe. You lookin' goooood!"
"I'd like summa that."
"Fine, fine, damn your fine, girl. C'mere a minute."


She kept strutting in her 5" heels, without looking back. Sauntering past her, I muttered, "I apologize -- on behalf of all the decent males in the city."


Without even looking at me, she purrs, "Get it all time. Don't mind. Ciao."


So much for my gallant effort. 

Choices

Hmmm ... what to buy? DVD's, VIDEOS, PEEP SHOWS ... 

or LINGERIES? 

This store has it all.

Optimist

This dude walks into the deli and cheerfully says to the man at the counter, "I'll take three hundred twenty five million dollars, please."

And, without missing a beat, the man simply prints out a lottery ticket.

Must've been the sign outside ...

Slip 'em a Mickey

This must be the lamest Mickey Mouse ever. I mean, how often do you see a 6' mouse hugging little girls with his tongue hanging out? Very inappropriate.

The Lost Ones

So many Highways go un-adopted year after year. And I feel for them.

Won't you please take a moment to consider adopting a lovely, smart, young highway in your fair city?

Postal

Seen outside the Post Office on 8th Avenue on a really hot day

... I guess it's one column per customer!

Say Uncle

This group of 50-somethings stood on the corner of 30th and 8th, sheets of paper in their hands, heads darting around in all directions.

One gentleman points to the paper, "It says it's on 31st and 8th!"

His wife says, "Well, where the heck is it then?"

Guy says, "I dunno. It should be here."

I say, "Need help?"

"Yeah. We're looking for the Greek place on 31st and 8th."

I point, "Uncle Nicks. Right there on 31st and 8th."

Lady says, incredulously, "How did you know that?"

"Well, this is 30th and 8th and the next block up is 31st and 8th. So it just makes sense." 

Which it does, if you can count.

Which Way

So, is it: "FOLLOW JESUS, PASS DANGER"?

Or is it: "FOLLOW PASS, JESUS DANGER"?

How Very Green

The folks behind the smash Broadway musical "Wicked" pride themselves on their wonderful commitment to the environment by placing ads on "green" buses, selling eco-friendly T-shirts, and doing "green" events around the country.

Why, oh why then, did they hire a small plane to buzz around the quiet beaches of Fire Island this past weekend to advertise the popular show? Certainly, there's alot of fuel being wasted on that little plane.

And quite frankly, the folks trying to enjoy some quiet time at the very gay beach certainly already know about the show; most have already memorized the entire cast album!

Green my ass.

Overheard ...

... on Cherry Grove, Fire Island:

Mum: (walking to her 4 year old daughter from the shore) Hey, look! I found a little crab.

Daughter: Is it dead?

Mum: I think it's almost dead, but not yet.

Daughter: Can I touch it?

Mum: Sure, but I think I should put it back in the ocean.

Daughter: Can I go with you?

Mum: Why?

Daughter: I want to see if it floats or if it sinks.

Slacker or Genius?

Can't find a seat on the subway during the busy rush hour?

Bring your own! And then take a nap on it. I'm quite sure it won't be in anyone's way.

Good Clean Kids

Saw this at the Bed Bath and Beyond checkout. I guess it fits into the "beyond" category.

Needing Direction

This guy was walking on 7th Avenue and yelling into his cell phone,

"I'm on my way! I'm walkin' downtown right now! If I make there on time, I make it. Why you givin' me grief?"

Thing is -- he was actually walking uptown.

I wondered if I should let him know he was going the wrong way, or if he was just a really good liar who didn't really want to see the person on the other end of the call.

WAKE UP!

Rows and rows of brightly colored energy drinks at the local deli. Who needs to drink them to wake up? Just look at that freakin' display!

Shopping with the Whole World

While shopping for a few items at the Union Square Whole Foods, I noticed that it was awfully busy for a mid-summer Thursday afternoon. Like, totally packed from the escalators to the smelly cheese section to the dining area.

Then, I took a closer look at who was shopping and no one seemed to actually be from either the Columbus Circle, New York City, or even the Tri-State area.

How do I know?

- Men wearing sandals with black socks

- Families of six; all wearing neon backpacks

- Little kids running amok at the food bar

- Folks unfolding huge subway maps in the tiny cookie aisle

- No one speaking English

I covered every inch of the store in search of these excellent gluten-free frozen meatballs; and everywhere I went, I was crammed, pushed, and knocked into by the throngs of tourists taking a day trip to the local supermarket. Granted, it's not a typical local supermarket. But, where else in the world do locals go food shopping with tourists?

I never found my meatballs. But, I did give directions to the Staten Island Ferry.

Who's the Moron?

While crossing a busy intersection in Times Square, a taxi got caught "blocking the box" and had to go in reverse a bit to avoid blocking the oncoming traffic. This sudden reversal inconvenienced me and the woman walking near me ever so slightly. But, the woman decided to let the driver know how she felt by screaming into his window as she passed it,

"Moron! It's no wonder you drive a taxi for a living!"

She looked at me for approval, to which I replied,

"My brother was a taxi driver. But, then he got killed."

She looked confused, ashamed, embarrassed, and humiliated. Just like she hoped the taxi driver would after her rant.

I sure do miss that brother I never had.

Cracked

How hard is it to order eggs at the deli?

I had three clowns in front of me on the long line, making sure their breakfast was made TO ORDER, just like their mamma or long-suffering wife made them ...

Clown 1: Hey, man, put some more cheese on them eggs! C'mon now, don't be stingy. What kinda cheese is dat? American? Good. I don't want that cheddar crap.

Clown 2: I want some more hot sauce on them eggs. Put it on there. And, hey, gimme some of that ketchup. Some more. Some more. A'ight, man. Gimme a few on the side, will ya?

Clown 3: Is that bacon "beef" bacon? You sure? Okay. Cook it some more. Hey, you can give me some more than that. I want it well done, son. Hey! I want 8 sugars in that coffee. Yesterday you didn't gimme 8. Tasted like shit.

I opted for a yogurt.

Me (to yogurt container): Hey! Can I have some more acidophilus in there? Yeah! That's right! Load up that bacteria, bitch.

Soups On

I saw this sign outside a witty pub on Houston Street ... and actually did a double-take.

10 Things I Hate About Last Week

1- Katherine Heigl movie trailers

2-Adam Sandler movie trailers

3-Exceedingly tall dudes walking in front of me on cell phones

4-Katherine Heigl on magazine covers

5-Folks who don't respond to Facebook messages from me, but who post useless bits of info all day (this seems to be a recurring event)

6-Needy actors barging into rehearsal spaces the second the clock hits 6 PM

7-Diane Sawyer's over-expressive voice on the GMA intros

8-The ridiculously cheery GMA news team

9-Rain

10-Katherine Heigl anything

Your Ad Here

I saw this big ad at a bus stop. And also at a phone booth ...

 ... and I have to wonder how many young, Jewish professionals use public phone booths. Or take the bus.

Snitch

As I walked to get my cup of coffee from my local deli, a homeless guy outside the deli said, 

"Hey buddy, got a quarter?" 

Of course I didn't. I only carry one-hundred dollar bills.

When I left the store, I saw the homeless guy steal a container of fruit from the ice box outside the deli, which he then tossed to his homeless accomplice a few feet away. Boy, these guys are intrepid!

I debated if I should say something to the deli owner.

The homeless guy caught my eye again and said, "Hey buddy, got a quarter?" 

As if he didn't just ask me that same question a moment earlier.

Insulted that he didn't remember me, I went back into the deli and heroically reported the crime I had witnessed ...

"Little homeless guy in yellow tattered shirt lifted some melon and tossed it to fat homeless guy in red shirt out there."

I really need to carry more quarters, or make a better first impression. And, I need to understand how it's possible for a homeless guy to be fat if he lives off of stolen fruit.

Cream Lover

My local deli allows customers to prepare their own cup of coffee at a little coffee station. I like this because I'm fond of controlling the amount of joe, cream and sweetener. And they have a variety of sweeteners including honey, which I prefer in my java.

The guy preparing his "cuppa" in front of me picked a large size cup, filled half with coffee ... and the other half, with half-and-half.

This would be called a "Half-Caf-Half-Half & Half." 

After all, as Blondie sang, "creaming is free."

It's a Living

Why, oh why, are some people who do the same jobs every day, so bad at them?

Why do the Chinese delivery guys, who ride their bikes every day hither and yon, ride on the sidewalk? It's illegal, slow and annoying.

Why do truck drivers blow their very loud horns when the car at the light ahead of them doesn't haul ass right way? It's illegal, jarring and inconsiderate.

Why do limo drivers not use their turn signals when they are turning a corner? It's illegal, dangerous, and lazy.

And why do drivers from New Jersey break every rule while driving -- no signal, speeding on side streets, talking on cell phone, and needless honking.

(I know that the last example does not relate to a job, but perhaps if more of them got jobs in New Jersey, commuters in Manhattan wouldn't be in so much danger.)

Pushing Buttons

Often, while attending my daily appointments, I ride elevators in high-security buildings. 

I often wonder why, when I'm the first person at the elevator bank to push the UP button, another person will follow me and also push the UP button. This makes me feel like the other person doesn't trust that my button-pushing was effective. I usually go ahead and hit it again, in effect, canceling out the other riders' button-push.

Sometimes, after boarding the elevator car, after I push the Floor 15 button, someone else will also push the Floor 15 button ... even if the Floor 15 button is already illuminated.

Then there's the clown who doesn't realize that when they're waiting for the elevator on the 14th floor and they want to go to the Lobby, they should push the button indicating the vertical direction they want to go in ... not the direction they want the elevator to travel in to pick them up. 

Like, when the full elevator from the Lobby to the 15th Floor stops on the 14th floor, the person who is waiting outside the parting doors is genuinely confused that the elevator they requested has an illuminated UP arrow. But, what the hell, said-person won't just wait until it comes back down. Said-person will cram themselves into the sweaty, crowded car and "take the ride."

They make it to the next floor and the car empties. Usually said-person stays in the elevator, blocking both the exiting and incoming passengers. Inevitably, the full car will stop again on the 14th floor, as said-person didn't just push the UP button while they were waiting, but both buttons -- insuring that they will make it to their destination. And the denizens in the car groan as the car stops for no apparent reason.

The guilty party won't say, "Sorry. My bad." Instead they roll their eyes as their little trip has now become a journey. And they do it time and time again.

Snack on this

What's more disturbing?

A) Eating a brain

B) Brain in a can, of all things

C) Milk gravy

I don't even know what side dishes would compliment a plate of hot, steamy brain.

Assuming it is served hot.

A-CATION

I recently took a day trip to Fire Island and enjoyed the peace and quiet. My mind was refreshed, my soul was stirred and I began to feel like a human being again.

I decided then and there that what I was doing was a "Daycation" ... as I am over the "Staycation" (tough to do when you don't have a backyard), and there is no "Vacation" in my future.

I then decided that I was the clever person to coin that fitting phrase for a single day of solitude. Until I found out that word was already coined a few years ago.

I now offer the word "A-cation" to describe such a day, and if I find out that that word has also been coined ... I offer "Cation."

Go ahead, try and tell me someone already coined "Cation." I dare ya.

Overheard ...

Two 20-something gals on the bus, chatting while gazing at their portable devices:

Gal #1: Oh my God, did you see "The Hangover?"

Gal #2: I slept through it.

Gal #1: What? You slept through "The Hangover?!"

Gal #2: Yeah. I was really hung over.

Gal #1: Shit! This is our stop. C'mon. (exiting) I can't believe you slept through "The Hangover!" It was so fucking funny.

And ... scene.

UPDATE: I saw "The Hangover" and I, too, thought it was so fucking funny.

Lucky Duck

Yesterday I took a jaunt to Fire Island to fuel my soul. Why not? It's only a 2 1/2 hour commute each way and involves a train, a van, and a ferry, and costs a mere $50 RT.

I went for a calming walk on the beach and when I came back to my little camp in the sand, I discovered that a seagull had pooped in my ratty old sneaker.

I've heard that if a bird poops on your head, it's good luck for you. 

I assume that if it poops in your shoe, it's good luck for the bird.

I Wonder ...

As I rode my bike in the bike lane on 9th Avenue on Saturday, I had to wonder how the guy on crutches walking in the bike lane, against bike traffic, injured his leg in the first place.

And, how long it would be before he injures his other leg.

10 Things I Hate About Last Week

1 - Lance Armstrong media coverage

2 - Jonas Brothers on the cover of the hip/adult magazines Rolling Stone and TimeOut 

3 - Seeing men wearing sandals and socks (c'mon guys, it's such a bad joke by now)

4 - People blindly walking down the street whilst texting

5 - Joe Jackson and his unintelligible rants (no wonder it's so hard to understand any of Michael's lyrics)

6 - Rain

7 - Seeing even more obese people losing weight on reality TV shows

8 - Sitting through Seth Rogan movie trailers

9 - More Ryan Seacrest productions

10 - People obsessively posting on Facebook, but not having time to answer my messages to them

Thank you, and have a nice week! : )

Parking

I saw this electric wheelchair locked up to a scaffolding pole near the Post Office on 34th Street. I passed it one night , and the "hazzards" were on! Seriously. I guess it's owner was just popping into the Post Office to send some mail.

You've Been Soft Served!

You drive your Hummer into the city from Jersey or "The Island" for a night of NYC fun. When you get out of that Broadway jukebox show you spent your life savings on, or after that fancy meal you spent hundreds of dollars on, you go to your car only to find out it's been towed because you parked next to a fire hydrant. Silly you! 

You call the police and they tell you that the car is at The Violation Tow Service building on West Side Highway. How convenient. You wait on line for a few hours. You shell out over $200 to get your gas guzzler back. 

And what do you do then?

You get yourself some nice, comforting ice cream.

Thanks, Mr. Softee! I hope you don't get towed!

On the Lamb

While driving upstate during the 4th of July weekend, I passed an 18-wheeler with huge letters on side which read:

American Lamb. 

American Land.

All this time I thought we were getting our lamb from New Zealamb.

Go America!