10 Things I Hate About Last Week

1- Katherine Heigl movie trailers

2-Adam Sandler movie trailers

3-Exceedingly tall dudes walking in front of me on cell phones

4-Katherine Heigl on magazine covers

5-Folks who don't respond to Facebook messages from me, but who post useless bits of info all day (this seems to be a recurring event)

6-Needy actors barging into rehearsal spaces the second the clock hits 6 PM

7-Diane Sawyer's over-expressive voice on the GMA intros

8-The ridiculously cheery GMA news team

9-Rain

10-Katherine Heigl anything

Your Ad Here

I saw this big ad at a bus stop. And also at a phone booth ...

 ... and I have to wonder how many young, Jewish professionals use public phone booths. Or take the bus.

Snitch

As I walked to get my cup of coffee from my local deli, a homeless guy outside the deli said, 

"Hey buddy, got a quarter?" 

Of course I didn't. I only carry one-hundred dollar bills.

When I left the store, I saw the homeless guy steal a container of fruit from the ice box outside the deli, which he then tossed to his homeless accomplice a few feet away. Boy, these guys are intrepid!

I debated if I should say something to the deli owner.

The homeless guy caught my eye again and said, "Hey buddy, got a quarter?" 

As if he didn't just ask me that same question a moment earlier.

Insulted that he didn't remember me, I went back into the deli and heroically reported the crime I had witnessed ...

"Little homeless guy in yellow tattered shirt lifted some melon and tossed it to fat homeless guy in red shirt out there."

I really need to carry more quarters, or make a better first impression. And, I need to understand how it's possible for a homeless guy to be fat if he lives off of stolen fruit.

Cream Lover

My local deli allows customers to prepare their own cup of coffee at a little coffee station. I like this because I'm fond of controlling the amount of joe, cream and sweetener. And they have a variety of sweeteners including honey, which I prefer in my java.

The guy preparing his "cuppa" in front of me picked a large size cup, filled half with coffee ... and the other half, with half-and-half.

This would be called a "Half-Caf-Half-Half & Half." 

After all, as Blondie sang, "creaming is free."

It's a Living

Why, oh why, are some people who do the same jobs every day, so bad at them?

Why do the Chinese delivery guys, who ride their bikes every day hither and yon, ride on the sidewalk? It's illegal, slow and annoying.

Why do truck drivers blow their very loud horns when the car at the light ahead of them doesn't haul ass right way? It's illegal, jarring and inconsiderate.

Why do limo drivers not use their turn signals when they are turning a corner? It's illegal, dangerous, and lazy.

And why do drivers from New Jersey break every rule while driving -- no signal, speeding on side streets, talking on cell phone, and needless honking.

(I know that the last example does not relate to a job, but perhaps if more of them got jobs in New Jersey, commuters in Manhattan wouldn't be in so much danger.)

Pushing Buttons

Often, while attending my daily appointments, I ride elevators in high-security buildings. 

I often wonder why, when I'm the first person at the elevator bank to push the UP button, another person will follow me and also push the UP button. This makes me feel like the other person doesn't trust that my button-pushing was effective. I usually go ahead and hit it again, in effect, canceling out the other riders' button-push.

Sometimes, after boarding the elevator car, after I push the Floor 15 button, someone else will also push the Floor 15 button ... even if the Floor 15 button is already illuminated.

Then there's the clown who doesn't realize that when they're waiting for the elevator on the 14th floor and they want to go to the Lobby, they should push the button indicating the vertical direction they want to go in ... not the direction they want the elevator to travel in to pick them up. 

Like, when the full elevator from the Lobby to the 15th Floor stops on the 14th floor, the person who is waiting outside the parting doors is genuinely confused that the elevator they requested has an illuminated UP arrow. But, what the hell, said-person won't just wait until it comes back down. Said-person will cram themselves into the sweaty, crowded car and "take the ride."

They make it to the next floor and the car empties. Usually said-person stays in the elevator, blocking both the exiting and incoming passengers. Inevitably, the full car will stop again on the 14th floor, as said-person didn't just push the UP button while they were waiting, but both buttons -- insuring that they will make it to their destination. And the denizens in the car groan as the car stops for no apparent reason.

The guilty party won't say, "Sorry. My bad." Instead they roll their eyes as their little trip has now become a journey. And they do it time and time again.

Snack on this

What's more disturbing?

A) Eating a brain

B) Brain in a can, of all things

C) Milk gravy

I don't even know what side dishes would compliment a plate of hot, steamy brain.

Assuming it is served hot.

A-CATION

I recently took a day trip to Fire Island and enjoyed the peace and quiet. My mind was refreshed, my soul was stirred and I began to feel like a human being again.

I decided then and there that what I was doing was a "Daycation" ... as I am over the "Staycation" (tough to do when you don't have a backyard), and there is no "Vacation" in my future.

I then decided that I was the clever person to coin that fitting phrase for a single day of solitude. Until I found out that word was already coined a few years ago.

I now offer the word "A-cation" to describe such a day, and if I find out that that word has also been coined ... I offer "Cation."

Go ahead, try and tell me someone already coined "Cation." I dare ya.

Overheard ...

Two 20-something gals on the bus, chatting while gazing at their portable devices:

Gal #1: Oh my God, did you see "The Hangover?"

Gal #2: I slept through it.

Gal #1: What? You slept through "The Hangover?!"

Gal #2: Yeah. I was really hung over.

Gal #1: Shit! This is our stop. C'mon. (exiting) I can't believe you slept through "The Hangover!" It was so fucking funny.

And ... scene.

UPDATE: I saw "The Hangover" and I, too, thought it was so fucking funny.

Lucky Duck

Yesterday I took a jaunt to Fire Island to fuel my soul. Why not? It's only a 2 1/2 hour commute each way and involves a train, a van, and a ferry, and costs a mere $50 RT.

I went for a calming walk on the beach and when I came back to my little camp in the sand, I discovered that a seagull had pooped in my ratty old sneaker.

I've heard that if a bird poops on your head, it's good luck for you. 

I assume that if it poops in your shoe, it's good luck for the bird.

I Wonder ...

As I rode my bike in the bike lane on 9th Avenue on Saturday, I had to wonder how the guy on crutches walking in the bike lane, against bike traffic, injured his leg in the first place.

And, how long it would be before he injures his other leg.

10 Things I Hate About Last Week

1 - Lance Armstrong media coverage

2 - Jonas Brothers on the cover of the hip/adult magazines Rolling Stone and TimeOut 

3 - Seeing men wearing sandals and socks (c'mon guys, it's such a bad joke by now)

4 - People blindly walking down the street whilst texting

5 - Joe Jackson and his unintelligible rants (no wonder it's so hard to understand any of Michael's lyrics)

6 - Rain

7 - Seeing even more obese people losing weight on reality TV shows

8 - Sitting through Seth Rogan movie trailers

9 - More Ryan Seacrest productions

10 - People obsessively posting on Facebook, but not having time to answer my messages to them

Thank you, and have a nice week! : )

Parking

I saw this electric wheelchair locked up to a scaffolding pole near the Post Office on 34th Street. I passed it one night , and the "hazzards" were on! Seriously. I guess it's owner was just popping into the Post Office to send some mail.

You've Been Soft Served!

You drive your Hummer into the city from Jersey or "The Island" for a night of NYC fun. When you get out of that Broadway jukebox show you spent your life savings on, or after that fancy meal you spent hundreds of dollars on, you go to your car only to find out it's been towed because you parked next to a fire hydrant. Silly you! 

You call the police and they tell you that the car is at The Violation Tow Service building on West Side Highway. How convenient. You wait on line for a few hours. You shell out over $200 to get your gas guzzler back. 

And what do you do then?

You get yourself some nice, comforting ice cream.

Thanks, Mr. Softee! I hope you don't get towed!

On the Lamb

While driving upstate during the 4th of July weekend, I passed an 18-wheeler with huge letters on side which read:

American Lamb. 

American Land.

All this time I thought we were getting our lamb from New Zealamb.

Go America!