Killer Dogs

Seen at Hudson River Park ...

Cats are free to roam and mame.

HOLY OIL!

Face of Jesus seen in BP Oil Spill Live Feed

... looking pissed off.

Amazing Invention

Lights butts. Trims nails. Thank you, China.

Frogger

Observing the "Eco Aquarium" on the store shelf, I alerted the worker to the lifeless, dead frog in the small, pebble-filled tank.
"It's not moving?" ... she queried.
"It's upside down -- and yellow," I said.
"Oh. I guess it finally died. Thank you, sir."


Did I mention this was at the pet paradise better known as the Hallmark Greeting Card Store?

"I like the greeting cards that play songs"

Untitled

Unwritten

HEINOUS HELPFUL #1

"Homeless and hungy"
That's what the old homeless man's cardboard sign said. 
If I pause to inform him he misspelled a word, is it heinous or helpful?

Product Request

Here are some products I would like to see on supermarket shelves soon:

Dove Soap scented candles.

Pizza flavored energy bars.

Irish Spring scented fabric softener.

Root Beer flavored Gatorade.

Recyclable, disposable gym clothes and sneakers.

Caffeine infused cupcakes.

Shrek Dimensions

Saw a commercial for the soon to be released film, Shrek Forever After, which states, "Go see Shrek like you've never seen him before -- in 3-D!"
Erm, we already have seen it in 3-D ... a few months ago as a matter of fact. When it was a live musical, with living actors on a real stage. 

Genius marketing. Genius.

Elephant vs. Gorilla

If the Elephant in the room 

and the Gorilla in the room 

got into a heated argument, 

would the Bear shitting 

in the woods outside

even hear them?

Just wonderin'.

Extra! Extra!

This is a real street in NYC. 

They clearly put alot of thought into this one.

NYC is the No. 1 Terror Target

According to the news and car bombs in Times Square, we're the Number One terrorist target, but we New Yorkers continue to love it here. I hope my simple design sends a message. And washes well.

Purchase your own 
by clicking HERE

Lightsaber Class

"I want a red one, like Darth Vader!"

Wholly Inappropriate Spider Man

"Right here, kids."

Where are my Keys?

End of my street

Where my keys?

I gotta pee

Where my keys?

Front pocket - check

Where my keys?

Back pocket - check

Where my keys?

Jacket pocket - check

Where my darn keys?

Hoodie pocket - check

Where my keys?

Here's the front door

Where my keys?

Check in my backpack

Where my keys?

Feel back pockets

Where my damn keys?

Look in my hand

There are my keys.

Check.

Oil Spill Solution #1

If everyone in the vicinity of the Gulf Coast threw a slice of bread into the terribly oil-slicked ocean water, it would absorb the oil, feed the fish and birds and save the world. 

Works for homemade chicken soup, too.

A BRAND NEW Sondheim Show!

After the success of Broadway's thrilling new musical "Sondheim on Sondheim", the retrospective account of Stephen Sondheim's career told through Sondheim songs and video clips of Mr. Sondheim speaking about said career, the Sondheim estate will soon be announcing the newest Sondheim musical, "Sondheim on Sondheim on Sondheim," where Mr. Sondheim will relate stories  about the making of "Sondheim on Sondheim" using music, motion-capture technology and marionettes. The show is scheduled to open in June, 2010 and will be helmed by filmmaker, James Cameron.


This new musical will feature 3-D video clips and songs from "Sondheim on Sondheim" as well as songs that were cut from "Sondheim on Sondheim", focusing on Mr. Sondheim's arduous process in choosing the songs for "Sondheim on Sondheim."


Plans are already in the works for a follow-up show tentatively titled, "Sondheim on Sondheim on Sondheim on Sondheim," which will employ the use of robots, lasers, video clips of Mr. Sondheim and actual audience members regaling us with stories about their experiences at "Sondheim on Sondheim on Sondheim." No director has been announced, but Mr. Sondheim has expressed an interest in directing the show himself.

Call the Roundabout Theatre or Stephen Sondheim and get your tickets now!

Rejection Rejection Rejection

Many homeless people "live" in my neighborhood, and often beg me for spare change. I never give it, since I only carry large bills and plastic. 
Yet I'm always impressed with their reaction to my miserly ways, for after I reject them, they simply say, "God Bless."
I receive rejections on a daily basis ... from festivals, producers, auditions, future lovers, etc.
How I wish I could respond with a simple "God Bless" instead of the usual "Fuck Off."
A tip of the hat to the more civilized homeless population.

Hasselbeck: Asking for It

Elisabeth Hasselbeck, the chipper Republican on The View, recently broke down and regretfully wept over the snide statements she made about the "revealing" costumes worn by Dancing with the Stars and peephole video star Erin Andrews.
Referring to the perve who secretly taped Andrews undressing, Hasselhump noted, "I mean, in some way if I'm him, I'm like, 'Man! I just could've waited 12 weeks and seen this–a little bit less–without the prison time!' "
Pure-hearted, Christian Hasselbutt was basically saying that Andrews was asking for it.

Note the costumes worn by Ms. Andrews:

Note the costumes worn by Ms. Hasselwhore:

Sorry, Hasselboobs, you were asking for it.

Jersey Score!

As an avid cyclist here in NYC, I ride through traffic on a daily basis. Today, for the first time ever, a car with New Jersey license plates actually signaled and slowed down before making a left hand turn.
It all starts with one small person using their hands to flick a switch.

Way to go Jersey!

Attention Bombers!

Authorities tracked Times Square car bomb idiot Faisal Shahzad to a flight he was on, bound for Dubai. 

Flight attendant makes announcements ... Tray tables up. Electronic devices off. Seat belts fastened.

Here's skinny Faisal, sitting in his tiny coach seat, thinking, "I did it. Sorta. But, I didn't get caught! Ha ha. Nee ner nee ner nee nerrrr."

Plane starts to taxi onto the runway.

Faisal thinks, "Hmmm. What movie am I going to watch on this long flight? Something with Sandra Bullock, perhaps?"

The plane stops moving. It sits there. And sits there.

Captain announces that the flight will be returning to the gate.

Faisal, "Fuck. I really wanted to start watching that Sandra Bullock movie."

Plane pulls up to the gate and they sit there some more. 

Faisal gets an uncomfortable feeling in his lower abdomen.

The passenger next to Faisal turns to him and says, "Do you smell something funny?"

The hatch opens. 

Faisal adjusts ... for he has just shat himself.

Men in uniform storm the plane and remove Faisal. Passengers cheer.

Nee ner nee ner nee nerrrr.

Bombs on Broadway!

After the car bomb scare in Times Square early Saturday night, our fearless local leaders had a makeshift press conference, sponsored by Yahoo, which the New York Times captured in this colorful photograph ...

It was a magical evening. Although blind, Governor Paterson stared directly into the cameras. Never before photographed with her mouth shut, Council Speaker Christine Quinn kept a tight lip. Sporting a fancy crimson bow-tie from Bergdorf's, Mayor Bloomberg calmly assured us that "The Lion King" would indeed resume performances on the following day. Hakuna Matata.

Most Broadway shows were canceled, except for "The Addams Family," which has proven that even a bomb won't keep folks away from Broadway.

This late-breaking blog brought to you by naked baboons.

Old Promises

The old show "Promises, Promises" is back on Broadway! A tip of the hat to all the old, creative people who've risen from the grave to put on this chestnut.

God Complex

Apparently, "God" has been busy spending his time writing musicals, instead of cleaning up oil spills and curing diseases.