Comfort Zoned

Recently, I proclaimed that use of the term "Out of my comfort zone" was prohibited. That order still stands. 
But, let me clarify for those of you who are still confused. 
One may not use that term when speaking about themselves (i.e.- "Well, I didn't really have a good time. Bondage clubs are out of my comfort zone." )
However, the term MAY be used, periodically, when referring to someone else ... (i.e.- "Well, Mary didn't really have a good time. Bondage clubs are out of her comfort zone.")
--- Management

To reference previous memo, please see: Office Memo

Attacking Carrie

In the 50s, we had this horror movie:

In the 90s, we had this nightmare:

And today, we have this monster:

The attack of the 50-year old woman is equally terrifying.

Hopalong

Somewhere, a forlorn child rides a broom.

Politically Correct Breakfast?

The mixed-race straight couple gets more fiber than 

the mixed-race lesbian couple, which doesn't seem right.

Piss & Pee

According to a new medical product commercial, what used to be called "peeing your pants" is now deemed "light bladder leakage" ... which is now referred to as "LBL." 
FYI

Sunday School Style Punctuation

Overheard ...

"No! Don't let them know that. Lemme tell ya how I filled out the census form ... "

Separated at Birth #3

Justin Bieber & Monchichi

Don Jr. is Magic

I love the Celebrity Apprentice. I even like it when the apprentice hopefuls are real people. Here's a short vid I made in honor of Donald Trump Jr. He makes it all worth while.

CLICK to witness the MAGIC of Don Jr.

Tea Bag Stats

My Youtube video about the Tea Party turnout in NYC has gotten a ton of attention and nasty comments with poor grammar. So, here are some facts* about the mysterious Tea Bag people:
- Tea Bags make up 18% of the country.
- Tea Bags have the sign-making skills of 3rd graders.
- 52% of Tea Bags believe that too much is being made of the problems of Black Americans, but deny that Obama has anything to do with their belief.

- 89% are white.

- 36% live in the South.

- 78% own Ed Hardy clothing.

- 39% are Evangelical Christians.

- 58% have a gun in their home.

- 80% have a Bedazzler in their home.

- 50% watch Fox news for Political coverage.

- 0% are gay. 

- 5% don't know it yet.

- 75% are over 45 years of age.

- 99.9% are angry.

*A special thanks to CBS Sunday Morning for providing many of these facts.

MY MAD TEA PARTY VID

MAD TAX DAY TEA PARTY (click)

MY TAX DAY VID

HAPPY TAX DAY 2010! (click)

Kentucky Fried Cancer

Got this coupon book in the mail and did a double take:

Girl Found in Swamp! Ban the Book!

The handsome, brave man James King, who found missing Autistic girl Nadia Bloom deep in a swamp in Winter Springs, Florida, credits God for directing his path "straight to her." 
Unfortunately, God ignored the poor, wet, 11-year old for four days as she was ravaged by stinging mosquitoes and taunted by toothy alligators. 
God did not give any direction to the teams of divers and dogs who attempted to sniff her out for four days. 
And it was a GPS system and a trail of toilet paper that led the helicopters to their location deep in the dangerous swamp, not God.
But, what has not been seriously addressed is that little Nadia was clearly led astray by her recent reading of an "American Girl" book called "Lanie's Real Adventure," which tells the story of an intrepid young girl going on a nature hike. 
Clearly, these kinds of books are destroying the minds of young girls everywhere, leading them down dark, muddy, overgrown paths that not even God would venture into.
BAN THE BOOK! SAVE A LIFE! 

Brother Can You Spare a Gummy Bear?

Margo's Puppet Pizza Party

Click here for a slice of Margo & Avenue Q

Blow & Suck

Dyson, known for their $500 vacuums that won't lose suction, is now offering $300 bladeless fans that won't chop off your fingers. 

Yes, it's expensive! It's from the future! (Click here)

Bump One Out

It's official. The traditional Handshake has been replaced by the Knuckle Bump -- also known as the Fist Bump or Fist Pound. 
Does this mean that after taking a wee, we have to not only wash our palms, but also our knobby knuckles?

Office Memo

Beginning today, usage of the phrase "I'm Out of My Comfort Zone" will be abolished until the parameters of the "zone" are properly delineated and marked. 
Any use of the term is punishable by termination, reduction of vacation days, or limited water cooler time allotment.
- Management

Doggie Style

Spotted in Chelsea ...

Yes, the fine print on the sign says "No Exceptions." 

But, it was outside of a leather bar.

Weird Science

Never thought I would see the words "Mario Lopez" and "Science" on the same poster. 

This Puppy is F*cked

A puppy store that uses the term "Free Delivery" reminds me of soy sauce and the little-known saying:

F*cked like a stray dog in Chinatown.

But, that's just me.

Now I Get It!

Facebook is for those who are your friends. 

Twitter is for those who want to be your friends.

Separated at Birth #2

Joe Nolan & Jabba The Hut

Separated at Birth #1

Cokie Roberts & Heat Miser