Crowdin' 'Round the Mouse

As I walked down 5th Avenue in the Flatiron District, I saw a young delivery guy on his bike stop to point at something on the ground. He was smiling and excited. I looked around for what he could find so amusing on a city street. And there, scurrying around the sidewalk, was a little grey mouse leaping over the cracks in the sidewalk; trying to find safety amongst the busy commuters.

After a minute of observing the terrified mouse, I realized that about a dozen people had stopped to take in this curious "event." The little critter ran in circles, and finally found a hole in the side of some clothing store.

Everyone applauded with big smiles on their faces.

Thank you, little mouse. 

You made a whole street full of people smile.

Directions

As I walked in the club district late the other night, a group of randy young men approached me, asking, "Hey, do you know where the Intrepid is?"

I wondered if they had some hooligan plan.

 "Yes, the Intrepid is just a few blocks North and West. You can't miss it. It's a really big boat."

Their eyes lit up and I said, "You know, the Intrepid isn't open this late at night."

And they said, "Oh no. We're looking for a club right near there called Pacha or something."

"Oh! Yeah," I said, "Pacha is on 46th right near the Intrepid."

They hopped in their sporty car shouting, "Thanks, sir!"

I was nice to help out some touristy club kids. 

But, being called "sir" certainly put a damper on my evening.

Accent the Positive

Overheard during the interval at the Old Vic production of "The Norman Conquests" on Broadway last night --

Old Woman: "Are those actors American? I can't tell."

Older Woman: "That one actor is definitely American."

Old Woman: "How do you know?"

Older Woman: "His accent wasn't good at all. Very fake."

For the record, the cast is made up of six actual Brits. 

From the actual London production. 

Clearly stated in the actual program. 

Get the Axe

A couple in Duane Reade seemed to follow me wherever I went in my attempt to check household items off my "list."

He says to his girl: "Well, why don't you just aks me?"

And she says: "I am aksing."

Him: "You're not aksing, you're telling."

Her: "I aks and aks. What more you want me to do?"

Him: "Just aks."

I don't think they were looking for AXE Deodorant Body Spray. And, I learned that Duane Reade doesn't carry real axes. 

'Cause I would have used it right there in the soap aisle.

Public Library

As I walked past the great lions, Patience and Fortitude, who guard the outside the New York Public Library on 42nd Street and 5th Ave, I was jostled by a stroller. Paying it no mind, I walked up the marble steps past smokers and picture-takers. I then waited on line for 5 minutes to get into the library, surrounded by hoards of people speaking foreign languages. I began to suspect they were not here to take out or read a book. Then a little kid jumped off the line and onto my foot. His parents bowed in apology and yanked him up by his little furry parka. 

Finally making my way to the front of the line, I had to open my backpack for inspection. Like, at the airport, or the United Nations. 

Steering through the crowds of toddlers, strollers, tourists and such, I made my way up the three flights to the Reading Room; usually a place of great peace. But on this day, it was more like rush hour at Grand Central. Apparently, the NY Public Library is a huge tourist destination. What a great day out with the kids, huh? A nice, quiet room full of books. Fun times.

I found a table with no one at it and began my reading, as I had been searching for a quiet place to collect my thoughts. No such luck. Cell phones whistled and beeped. Computers opened and closed. Little bits of pop music escaped from the earbuds of the readers around me. NYU students joined my table. They had alot to talk about. And talk about. With each other and their cell phone friends. 

Cameras flashed. Tourists with thick accents and day-glo backpacks strolled the aisles, apparently admiring all the books on the shelves. Fascinating!

After 2 hours, I got little done and started feeling a headache coming on.

So much for Patience and Fortitude. 

At least the other lion isn't named "Solitude." That would not be accurate.

Bye Bye GQ

Today I got a letter in the mail informing me that my subscription to GQ Magazine will be terminated. 

I couldn't be happier. Really. I literally said, "Thank God" when I read the letter.

If only I could be so happy when other rejections creep up.

Damn Reception

I was in the elevator yesterday with about six other riders, heading down to the lobby from the 14th floor of some building in Times Square. This big guy was talking in full voice on his cell phone:

"Uh, yeah, that's what I told her. Uh, huh. Yeah, and then she says ... wait, hold on, the reception is really bad in this elevator. Damn elevator. Wait. Nope. Dammit. I gonna call you back, bro."

He then addresses us with a smirk and says, "Damn reception. This country sucks. I mean, in Europe or China, the cell phones always get reception in the elevator. Not here. Why? 'Cause this country sucks. That's why."

Some meek little blonde nodded. A buttoned-up guy smiled at him. Others laughed politely. I said, staring ahead, "Yeah, bro. It's too bad. I was really interested in hearing

the rest of your conversation."

DING

LOBBY 

QUICKLY WALK AWAY

Big Dates

This guy at the Actors Federal Credit Union, probably an actor, was yakkin' on his cell phone about how "times are so tough," as he filled out his deposit slip. 

The person on the other end of the call must have asked him if he was free on a particular date. 

The guy, most likely an actor, reaches into his ratty sack and pulls out ... not a Palm Pilot, not a little date book, but a full size wall calendar!

He puts the beat-up-scribbled-upon-full-size-wall-calendar on the table and starts rifling through it to confirm that, "Yes, I am totally free that day."

He hung up, deposited his check, and then got on another call to complain about the "gig" he just accepted.

Oh yes, he was indeed an actor.

Revved up Rodents

This morning I saw a commercial that featured CGI hamsters running on stationary hamster wheels in various locales of a quaint town. 

The camera pulls back to reveal scores of hamster wheels on a busy highway, going nowhere. Then a boxy-looking car pulls up to one of the wheels. The tinted windows roll down. Inside are a few happy, hip hamsters listening to the electronic music coming from their MP3 device, plugged into the cars' sound system.

Turns out to be a commercial for the Kia Soul.

I remember when car commercials sold cars based on safety, mileage and number of cylinders. I suppose in these tough economic times, even hamsters need a car with a good sound system.

Save me a seat?

Walking around the theater district today, I was again reassured that ticket holders will line up outside the theater up to one hour before the curtain, even if the weather is extremely foul.

Hey, theatergoers, it's not general admission. Your seat, printed on your ticket, will be waiting for you right up until show time. Go to Starbucks or Duane Reade until then. There are plenty of 'em.

And we could use your cash.

Hookers for Jesus?

Yes, this really exists.

www.hookersforjesus.net

'Nuf said.

Florida -- Redux

Ahhh, Florida:

Land of fried food

Smoking in bars and restaurants still permitted

Overweight population (see "fried food")

Old, overweight population

Tri-State accents

Pastel colors for everything ... including the sweaters that men wear, in warm weather, draped over their shoulders

Christian music stations all over the radio

Land of the SUV

Land of driving said SUV and following the speed limit to the exact MPH 

Land of drivers in SUV's on cell phones driving exact speed limit

Beach combers

$15 sunscreen

9 year olds

90 year olds

Can't wait to go back.

Free Cloth!

On 23rd Street and Park Ave, the brilliant minds behind the marketing for Pearl Vision came up with quite an eye-catching coup. The young marketers ride around on Segways (pictured) handing out flyers and calling out, "Free lens cloth at Pearl!"

Wow! A FREE cloth! That is the best deal EVER!

Florida Family Dinner

Family out for dinner at a restaurant in Florida. Five kids. Mom on cell phone. Dad and two sons watching "the game" on the big TV above the bar. Two little girls watching "Pocahontas" on portable DVD player. Baby son/daughter spitting up.

And they call this "family time?"