Optimist

This dude walks into the deli and cheerfully says to the man at the counter, "I'll take three hundred twenty five million dollars, please."

And, without missing a beat, the man simply prints out a lottery ticket.

Must've been the sign outside ...

Slip 'em a Mickey

This must be the lamest Mickey Mouse ever. I mean, how often do you see a 6' mouse hugging little girls with his tongue hanging out? Very inappropriate.

The Lost Ones

So many Highways go un-adopted year after year. And I feel for them.

Won't you please take a moment to consider adopting a lovely, smart, young highway in your fair city?

Postal

Seen outside the Post Office on 8th Avenue on a really hot day

... I guess it's one column per customer!

Say Uncle

This group of 50-somethings stood on the corner of 30th and 8th, sheets of paper in their hands, heads darting around in all directions.

One gentleman points to the paper, "It says it's on 31st and 8th!"

His wife says, "Well, where the heck is it then?"

Guy says, "I dunno. It should be here."

I say, "Need help?"

"Yeah. We're looking for the Greek place on 31st and 8th."

I point, "Uncle Nicks. Right there on 31st and 8th."

Lady says, incredulously, "How did you know that?"

"Well, this is 30th and 8th and the next block up is 31st and 8th. So it just makes sense." 

Which it does, if you can count.

Which Way

So, is it: "FOLLOW JESUS, PASS DANGER"?

Or is it: "FOLLOW PASS, JESUS DANGER"?

How Very Green

The folks behind the smash Broadway musical "Wicked" pride themselves on their wonderful commitment to the environment by placing ads on "green" buses, selling eco-friendly T-shirts, and doing "green" events around the country.

Why, oh why then, did they hire a small plane to buzz around the quiet beaches of Fire Island this past weekend to advertise the popular show? Certainly, there's alot of fuel being wasted on that little plane.

And quite frankly, the folks trying to enjoy some quiet time at the very gay beach certainly already know about the show; most have already memorized the entire cast album!

Green my ass.

Overheard ...

... on Cherry Grove, Fire Island:

Mum: (walking to her 4 year old daughter from the shore) Hey, look! I found a little crab.

Daughter: Is it dead?

Mum: I think it's almost dead, but not yet.

Daughter: Can I touch it?

Mum: Sure, but I think I should put it back in the ocean.

Daughter: Can I go with you?

Mum: Why?

Daughter: I want to see if it floats or if it sinks.

Slacker or Genius?

Can't find a seat on the subway during the busy rush hour?

Bring your own! And then take a nap on it. I'm quite sure it won't be in anyone's way.

Good Clean Kids

Saw this at the Bed Bath and Beyond checkout. I guess it fits into the "beyond" category.

Needing Direction

This guy was walking on 7th Avenue and yelling into his cell phone,

"I'm on my way! I'm walkin' downtown right now! If I make there on time, I make it. Why you givin' me grief?"

Thing is -- he was actually walking uptown.

I wondered if I should let him know he was going the wrong way, or if he was just a really good liar who didn't really want to see the person on the other end of the call.

WAKE UP!

Rows and rows of brightly colored energy drinks at the local deli. Who needs to drink them to wake up? Just look at that freakin' display!

Shopping with the Whole World

While shopping for a few items at the Union Square Whole Foods, I noticed that it was awfully busy for a mid-summer Thursday afternoon. Like, totally packed from the escalators to the smelly cheese section to the dining area.

Then, I took a closer look at who was shopping and no one seemed to actually be from either the Columbus Circle, New York City, or even the Tri-State area.

How do I know?

- Men wearing sandals with black socks

- Families of six; all wearing neon backpacks

- Little kids running amok at the food bar

- Folks unfolding huge subway maps in the tiny cookie aisle

- No one speaking English

I covered every inch of the store in search of these excellent gluten-free frozen meatballs; and everywhere I went, I was crammed, pushed, and knocked into by the throngs of tourists taking a day trip to the local supermarket. Granted, it's not a typical local supermarket. But, where else in the world do locals go food shopping with tourists?

I never found my meatballs. But, I did give directions to the Staten Island Ferry.

Who's the Moron?

While crossing a busy intersection in Times Square, a taxi got caught "blocking the box" and had to go in reverse a bit to avoid blocking the oncoming traffic. This sudden reversal inconvenienced me and the woman walking near me ever so slightly. But, the woman decided to let the driver know how she felt by screaming into his window as she passed it,

"Moron! It's no wonder you drive a taxi for a living!"

She looked at me for approval, to which I replied,

"My brother was a taxi driver. But, then he got killed."

She looked confused, ashamed, embarrassed, and humiliated. Just like she hoped the taxi driver would after her rant.

I sure do miss that brother I never had.

Cracked

How hard is it to order eggs at the deli?

I had three clowns in front of me on the long line, making sure their breakfast was made TO ORDER, just like their mamma or long-suffering wife made them ...

Clown 1: Hey, man, put some more cheese on them eggs! C'mon now, don't be stingy. What kinda cheese is dat? American? Good. I don't want that cheddar crap.

Clown 2: I want some more hot sauce on them eggs. Put it on there. And, hey, gimme some of that ketchup. Some more. Some more. A'ight, man. Gimme a few on the side, will ya?

Clown 3: Is that bacon "beef" bacon? You sure? Okay. Cook it some more. Hey, you can give me some more than that. I want it well done, son. Hey! I want 8 sugars in that coffee. Yesterday you didn't gimme 8. Tasted like shit.

I opted for a yogurt.

Me (to yogurt container): Hey! Can I have some more acidophilus in there? Yeah! That's right! Load up that bacteria, bitch.

Soups On

I saw this sign outside a witty pub on Houston Street ... and actually did a double-take.